The Consuman gazed up at the stars and thought, “You know what would really make this universe better? A giant, cosmic shopping mall! With a food court that serves nothing but free samples, and a department store that only sells things I don’t need!”
As the Consuman pondered the cosmos, it suddenly had an epiphany: “Wait, what’s the point of infinite space if I can’t fill it with infinite stuff?! I mean, what’s the point of having a black hole if I can’t use it as a giant garbage disposal for all my unwanted purchases?!”
And so, the Consuman set out to consumerize the universe, one planet at a time. It built a space-filling factory, churning out an endless supply of cosmic knick-knacks and celestial trinkets. It created a galaxy-spanning credit card, with a limit that was literally “to infinity and beyond!”
The Consuman’s shopping spree was so epic that it created a rift in the space-time continuum, causing parallel universes to collide in a spectacular explosion of consumerism.
In the end, the Consuman realized that the universe was actually just one big shopping mall, and it was the ultimate consumer. And so, it bought the universe, and put it on its credit card. (Which, of course, was declined due to insufficient credit. Oops!)
The Consuman’s motto? “The universe is my closet, and I’m just filling it with awesome sauce… and also a lot of debt. And clutter. And existential dread.”
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